Dr. West

 

 

The Hotwife

Phenomena

 

 

 

" The hotwife has been given sexual freedom while being able to hold onto the security of her primary relationship."

       As background to understanding the hotwife phenomenon we need to start with the chart below. This sexual affairsdata, which was compiled from a number of sources, approximates the number of affairs from 1935 to 2000.

Data varies greatly on affairs. This chart is based in part on urban, working men and women and is undoubtedly skewed toward more liberal respondents.

We know that war years when the husband is away result in spikes in the figures for both men and women. With men stationed in foreign counties (prior to the Iraq and Afghanistan wars) this has been reliably measured at 85%.

Note that the number of affairs among married women has been steadily increasing and according to some research the percentage now exceeds the number for married men.

Here is additional information on the percentage of affairs.

      The increasing figures for women are primarily due to the jump in number of women in the work force — especially in office environments where men and women work closely together for long hours. We, of course, have also seen social attitudes change. In many parts of our society a woman who "discretely sleeps around a bit" is no longer branded promiscuous.

What Has Spurred the Hotwife Phenomenon

       Although it might surprise most women, having a hotwife ranks among the top male fantasies. This fantasy can start after a few years of marriage and thereafter intensify. Some say the reasons can be traced back thousands of years.

The motivations for women to decide to become hotwives cover a wide spectrum. Here, we'll cover a few of the most common. Others can be found in the associated chapters, and in particular here.

" While the husband's and the wife's motivations in the cuckold husband-hotwife relationship might be quite different, they share a common goal."

 

The Wife's Motivation hotwife with date

       Accounts of the hotwife lifestyle seldom go into any depth on the wife's motivation.

Research has shown that women have a biological propensity for having sex with multiple partners, just as men do.

In fact, when you strip away the cultural and religious suppression of the female sex drive, it appears that the sex drive in women is just as strong in women as it is in men. The extent of this repression is discussed in Sexual Empowerment for Women.

Some women used to brag about how they could avoid marital sex, but, such women are now suspected as being man-haters, latent lesbians, or simply having personal problems.

       Professional stress typically lowers the male libido (their interest in sex). On the other hand, sexually liberated women typically find that sex reduces their stress.

Rather than have their wives do without something they enjoy (and possibly even need), some (very secure) husbands decide to encourage their wives to have for-sex-only liaisons with select men.

Many women find a certain excitement in being viewed as sexually liberated. For some, especially some older women, there may be a certain ego gratification in still being viewed as sexually desirable — even discretely promiscuous.

While holding to the security of her primary relationship, the hotwife may revel in experiencing sexual freedom.

       In historical studies it has been found that adventurous, free-loving women have been both more appealing to men and more socially powerful than women that were "only" beautiful and virtuous.

For her highly praised book, Seductress: Women Who Have Ravished the World and Their Lost Art of Love, Betsy Prioleau, researched the most influential women throughout the ages.

These women were seldom bound by marital fidelity, making them not unlike some of the most notable and influential men throughout the ages.

According to Prioleau, women need to awaken their suppressed sexuality, learn to experience multiple organisms, and reap the glow and excitement that comes from sexual experiences. Related books can be found on this site's bibliography.

      Many women realize that other women regularly enjoy "good sex," and although many wives have grown ambivalent about sex within their marriages and are reluctant to try new things, these barriers generally fall with the expectations of new sexual partners.

Many husbands also realize that when their wife becomes a hotwife, previous barriers may fall and she will be willing to do things that will spice up their own sex life.

With new men there appears to be unspoken desire to not disappoint and to be good in bed (and maybe to be as good as his previous sexual partners).

According to one husband:

She was never interested in oral sex, but when she started going out with men, she soon found out that it was expected, so she got used to it, and very soon she was regularly giving me oral sex.

As a hotwife she knows she will be introduced to new experiences and pleasures -- not to mention the "wining and dining" that generally comes with it.

Even though she may have started to have doubts about her sexual desirability, as a hotwife she will probably find that men are again interested in her.

      For some women this can constitute a "sexual reawakening."


According to one woman,

I've found a sense of freedom in enjoying the company of men and not being paranoid about a jealous husband or even being worried about what people will think.

If I want to go out with an interesting guy and if he wants to take me to bed, I have the freedom to just let it happen. Some of the best sex I've ever had started this way.

      >>   At the same time, the hotwife does not want jealousy or resentment to ruin her marriage or threaten the freedom she enjoys, a freedom she knows that very few husbands would be willing to grant.

Therefore, she knows she needs to be careful in being totally open and honest to her husband about her lovers. This means that there are no secret conversations or secret meetings with men. It means that she will have to constantly monitor her husband's feelings about what she is doing. It may also mean that in some cases the husband may want to approve of the men she goes out with.

       In some circles a woman may wear a conspicuous gold ankle chain on her right ankle to tell men "in the know" that she's a hotwife.

According to one wife, "I always wear it because whenever I see it I'm reminded that I have sexual freedom." (At the same time, of course, most women who wear ankle bracelets do so without attributing any special significance.)

       Once seen as a hotwife, she may flirt with select men, making it clear that, although married, she has sexual freedom. According to one hotwife, "I'm no knockout--never have been--but since a lot of guys like 'a sure thing,' I end up enjoying some good sex."

" Many couples feel that their particular jobs and lifestyles are being pretty dull and routine, and to compensate they may search for a strong diversion.

For most people sexual diversions end up being the most absorbing and, therefore, having the most power."

One woman said, "At first I was very nervous about people finding out that I 'slept around.' But after a while, I found that I was coming right out and telling people. Until that time I was kind of invisible to men, but now men are coming on to me. 

"...I like the male attention I'm getting, and I'm just doing what I secretly wanted to do all along, but felt I shouldn't...."
 

Women As Sex Objects?

      Many women fear that being a hotwife turns then into sex objects. This seems to be primarily based on the premise that enjoying sex is a masculine prerogative. However, more and more women are discovering that they can enjoy sex just as much as men do

Most women have lived their lives trying to act "like proper women" and shunning men "who have one thing on their minds." Now, according to one woman, "I've finally gotten around to being honest -- letting guys know I like sex."
 

The Husband's Motivation

      For the husband, wanting to have a hotwife often represents a classical psychological approach-avoidance conflict.

While he may be quite stimulated by the idea of his wife enjoying sex with select men, at the same time, these desires conflict with very strong feelings of jealousy, and possessiveness and fears about what people may think.  Most of all, he is generally concerned about losing his wife's affection.  

      Husbands have many motivations for encouraging their wives to be hotwives. We will touch on many of these and provide links to explanations and examples.  

First, there is the possibility that the husband may suspect that his wife is becoming interested in experiencing sex with someone else. (Note statistics in affairs cited at the beginning of this chapter.) He may value the relationship and not want her to jeopardize things because of the deceit and secrecy that normally accompany affairs.

In short, he wants to know about and approve any extramarital sex, and even have some control over it. The hotwife husband wants his wife's sexual encounters with men to be for sex only, with no marriage-threatening emotional involvement. In fact, if emotional involvement is suspected, that outside relationship must be terminated.

       In some cases the husband may either not be able to keep up with his wife's sexual needs, or because of age or medications, may no longer be able to sexually "perform" to her satisfaction.

hotwife who is "easy"

        Keeping up with my young wife's sexual needs was getting more and more difficult  -- even a bit of a chore.

After I hinted to certain men that my wife was 'easy,' they started pursuing her. 

...At the same time I encouraged her to go out with them and let them take her to bed.

" ...Before long she got used to regularly getting it from different men. ...So now she's happy, they are happy, and I'm sort of off the hook. 

 

      The fact that his wife will readily let men take her to bed while still being firmly committed to the relationship may make her more exciting and desirable to the husband.  We'll have more on the cuckold husband's motivations.

Most cuckold husbands want their wives to appear ladylike on the surface (in public), but, among select men, they may want their wives to be known as easy to get into bed.

See this file on how the husband wants her to appear to others.

Although this type of wife was once considered a threat to husbands — and it still is to the vast majority — these husbands believe that a healthy and well-adjusted woman should enjoy sex and has the right to be just as open about it as men. Regular sex has both physical and psychological benefits for a woman.

      The husband involved may pride himself in being secure enough to handle a hotwife. He may even brag to another man about how his wife loves sex (which, not coincidentally, may be very much in contrast to the attitude of that man's wife).

"When we first started considering this option, we had a lot of fears: we feared what people would think about us, we feared how it would affect our relationship, we feared STD, we feared unexpected emotional involvement. 

But, once we agreed on the rules and plunged in, and after a few very rocky episodes, we were eventually able to handle things. Now we see a lot of  benefits...."

-a letter from hotwife couple

       The hotwife may realize that her sexual freedom depends on her husband's continued sexual excitement over what she is doing.

Although she may know that a good bit of this is based on his fantasies, if she is smart, she will cater to these, keeping in mind that what she is doing this as much for his benefit as for hers.

The dynamics of a hotwife-cuckold husband relationship can represent a delicate balancing act for a hotwife. This is covered in more detail here.


The Hotwife - Cuckold Husband Marriage

       Although many question the nature of the hotwife-cuckold husband marriage, the two commonly sharehotwife cuckold husband marriage a deep love for each other. Ironically. the hotwife lifestyle (if it's handled right) can even bring the two of them closer together.

Among other things it often spark sexual excitement in the male—having a bit of competition will do that—and make him more attentive.

He may move into bit of a courting mode. And, the couple may find that the true basis for their marriage is (or at least should be) based on love, and not sexual exclusivity or a legal obligation.

       The cuckold husband is typically not interested in having sex with other women. (This would constitute "swinging," which is very different.) He seems to be satisfied with just vicariously experiencing his wife's sexual experiences.

      Rather than being jealous, having a wife that is seen by other men as sexually "hot" may provide him with an ego boost. (Dare we suggest that for some men hot wives are replacing hot cars as a source of pride?) At the same time she must appear (before him and others) to be totally devoted to him. According to one hotwife, "I like men, but I love my husband."


For Those Considering This Lifestyle

       Those considering this lifestyle should keep in mind that what may seem desirable for the husband or wife while under the influence of testosterone, libido, or fantasy, may later seem like a huge mistake.

The result can easily be  -- and often is  --  regret and marital estrangement.

Clearly, the hotwife idea is at odds with cultural conditioning and human tendencies toward jealousy and possessiveness. Although these traits may not be desirable, they are the norm and must be recognized. Even so, many people we've heard from have learned to master it as shown in many of our letters, including "The Long Trip Home."

       The vast majority of men and women have a need to see a partner as exclusively theirs.

You must remember that it was not all that many years ago that the wife was considered the property of the husband and even the rape of a wife was more of an affront to him and his family than it was to the woman who was raped.

Some religions and autocratic groups still use the control of sex as a way of controlling people. Except for some right-wing religious and political cults, we have largely abandoned such views.

Maybe society will evolve to the point where individuals are secure enough in themselves not to be threatened by the prospect of open relationships. However, for the vast majority, that time is not now.

 

       Even assuming that both partners are okay with going in this direction, most of society isn't.

With most people there is still a sigma associated with a promiscuous wife and a husband that allows his wife to have extramarital sex. Most people who find out about this will respond negatively toward both partners.

This can be a problem in a work environment where "character" is a part of job performance and promotion considerations. (A common male chauvinistic attitude with roots in the "wife as the husband's property" notion says that a husband should keep his wife "under control," and if she has affairs she definitely isn't "under control.")

Although the following may be a bit defensive and reactionary, here are the words of one cuckold husband:

"Sure, there are Neanderthals that think of her as a bit of a slut, but that's their problem. 

At least she is not like the prissy, tight-assed, 'not-tonight' women that many husbands suffer with."

       While many couples try to keep their sexual activities private, they may live with the fear that they may be found out. At the same time, self-employed people who live in large urban areas, or people who work around like-minded individuals probably won't have this concern.

All this being said, given the ever-increasing number of affairs and the emerging attitudes about condoned affairs in some countries, one wonders if somewhere down the road the society won't be ready to accept open relationships and hotwives. We seem to be in the early stages of that now.

      Although the transition will certainly be bumpy, if we are able to shift our emphasis to love and commitment to hold relationships together rather than the refutable doctrines about sexual exclusivity which simply cater to jealousies and insecurities, it would not only eliminate much heartache, but it would remove many of the "justifications" for dissolving relationships.



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