Dr. West

 

 

Part I

Turning Your

Wife Into a Hotwife

 

" ...Our marriage doesn't mean that I am denied sexual experiences with other men, the kind I enjoyed before our marriage."

"The hotwife seeks the pleasure and excitement that comes with having new sexual partners, but she never forgets the wife part of hotwife."

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       Question, "How can I turn my wife into a hotwife?"

As difficult as it might be for many people to understand, the issue of "getting my wife to have sex with other men" is now major topic of discussion.

In addition, to being asked this question, we've gotten letters that include a number of suggestions and personal experiences.

At the same time, writers tell us to warn readers that the reality is quite different than the fantasy.

We should note that this fantasy almost never starts at the beginning of relationships or when a couple just starts living marina affairtogether, but generally only after the people have gotten to know each other -- generally for a number of years -- and feel they can risk opening the relationship.

By then she may be starting to miss the sexual freedom she had before marriage and the husband may feel secure enough in the relationship to allow her to, or want her to, experience sex with other men.

      Whereas being "that kind of woman" was once seen as a disgrace, in this age of female sexual liberation many wives don't mind admitting that they enjoy the freedom to go to bed with men that interest them. 

" Being what is termed a hotwife is an attractive option for many women, especially if they feel the marriage will remain secure."

The fact that the hotwife is married (and presumably is not going to pursue marriage or get pregnant) makes her more desirable to many men. She represents free, no-strings-attached-sex.

If an extra-marital partner doesn't treat her right, is not that attentive in bed, or simply "gets boring," she can move onto other sexual partners without disrupting her life. Her anchor and security remains in her home. She may consider it the best of both worlds.

      However, from our e-mail we also know that most wives are not interested in becoming hotwives, even though they enjoy sex and may have had numerous sexual partners before marriage. If negative religious, cultural, and personal conditioning about sexual exclusivity is too strong it will probably never happen.

It also depends to a great extent on the nature and frequency of her prior sexual experience. Women who have a long history of pairing sex with dating don't see being a hotwife as a major change. The difference is that now they owe their primary allegiance to their husbands.

>>   This chapter is designed for relationships where --

(1.) the two partners have talked this over, have agreed on some rules, and have mutually decided to move in this direction

(2) the wife wants to enlist her husband's approval in moving in this direction (This article has some suggestions.)

(3) the husband has thought it over and not only wants his wife to have other sexual partners, but is genuinely committed to weather, at least initially, some very "rough waters" in the relationship as a result. 

      Even so, most husbands, especially in the United States, wouldn't allow their wives to become hotwives.  Although they might entertain these ideas as fantasies, possessiveness, jealousy, and cultural conditioning — and especially "what others might think" — ultimately prevail.

Even so, we know that a few husbands are able handle this without significant problems. A few even claim that this arrangement helped their marriage, especially if sex within the marriage has diminished -- a common complain from women today -- leaving the wife sexually frustrated.

One husband in a chatroom conversation said, "...My wife loves sex; she's great in bed; life is short; why not let them enjoy it?"

" A few wives "could care less about sex."  That is covered elsewhere. Even so, we've have heard from many wives who consciously or unconsciously experience mental and physical frustration when they do without sex for a length of time — so much so that it negatively affects their moods, feelings of well being, and their marriage.

When some husbands have seen the positive change that safe and approved extramarital sex has brought in their wives, their initial opposition has gradually dissolved."

        First, you don't want to try to force your wife into this.  She has to be okay with it or else it could boomerang in unpleasant ways.

If she is open to a little experimentation, a number of people have found the so-called "Monogamy Deconditioning" exercise effective. It takes about two hours and may have to be repeated in abbreviated form on a couple subsequent occasions. 

There are also more subtle and gradual approaches.


Broaching the Subject

      We are going to assume here that the woman involved is hesitant or reluctant to move in the hotwife direction.

Some reluctant wives, if approached in the right way, will be willing to at least to talk about the hotwife option and this is where things can start.

We've gotten letters from husbands who said their wives were against it at first, but once it was brought up and they started thinking about it, they eventually changed their minds.

It may simply be a matter of them getting used to the idea and talking through the concerns.

 

Common Areas of Resistance

      With women, resistance to becoming a hotwife generally starts with pride and fear issues.

They may look down on their liberated sisters who say they enjoy sex and seek out men who "know how to please a woman in bed."

At the same time, conservative religious views create major guilt about extramarital sex. Some women in the conservative women's movement loudly condemn hotwifery and urge women to "hold onto their pride." One of these influential women feels that all sex is rape (even loving sex between a husband and wife) and that women who say they enjoy it have just been brainwashed by men into believing it. (According to one woman, "Hell, if I think I'm enjoying it, then I am enjoying it!)

" In cases of strong religious feelings, moving in the hotwife direction may be unwise.  

Although these feelings can be changed, this can be a pernicious area and one that the woman needs to resolve herself."

      In addition, there are three main issues in the fear most women have about being a hotwife.

First is STD (sexually-transmitted disease). While this is a very real issue, the solution is not different from the other precautions we take in life -- things such as looking both ways before we cross a street and wearing seat belts.

Until the disease-killing sexual lubricants come on the market, condoms should simply be a routine and expected part of extramarital sex. (It might be worth considering that in parts of Nevada where prostitution is legal and condoms are required, and despite thousands of partners, not a single case of AIDS has ever been reported among licensed prostitutes.)hotwives

      The second aspect is "fear" of being with someone unfamiliar -- someone with different needs and expectations.

The advice of "just do it" -- and do it numerous times -- is the solution to getting past that. For various reasons, this should soon include more than one outside partner.

      And finally, there is the "my body is far from perfect" syndrome.

We live in a body-conscious society and few women look like Playboy playmates.  (And few men are endowed like male porn stars.)

A history of sexual experience will erase this fear. Again, it's a matter of getting past the initial fears and concerns.

" It may be easier and even less threatening to the marriage if the men are not seen as "dream dates" in her mind.

She has less to lose if things don't go well, these men may be more interested in having sex with her, and neither her or her husband may worry about it turning into a threat to the marriage."

Not to throw cold water on things, but we should mention that some women just don't enjoy sex.  Sex within the marriage is enough of a "burden" for them, so sex beyond that seems out of the question. This type of woman probably has either never learned how to enjoy sex, or has grown up with negative feelings toward it -- a common situation in earlier generations.

" There is considerable evidence to support the fact that when married women start taking advantage of sexual freedom, they often improve themselves in numerous ways.

This includes positive changes in attitude (the so-called "zest for life"), personal appearance, and numerous health benefits."

Getting Discussions Started

      Before the hotwife (or sexual freedom) discussions begin, the husband must feel that the marriage is totally solid and that it can definitely withstand some real challenges (read: real challenges!).

It will help the husband's feelings of security if he feels that his wife knows that she has a good thing in the marriage and that other men could not offer her the emotional (and possibly financial) advantages she now enjoys.

Not unrelated, the wife (hotwife) must always assure the husband that she's very happy with him and the marriage. If the relationship is on shaky ground to start with, major problems will quickly develop. If the latter is the case, opening the marriage may well doom it.

" The central question the husband needs to asked his wife is, 'Could you have sex with other men without it affecting our marriage or your feelings toward me?'

Possibly an even bigger question centers on whether he can handle the fact that his wife is having sex with other men. The vast majority of husbands can't."

An open marriage or "swinging" is generally much easier for a husband to handle, since he's simultaneously involved in extramarital sex.

Even so, most women link sex with love, or the development of love. New partners must guard against feelings of attachment. The hotwife seeks the pleasure and excitement that comes with new sexual partners; she is not looking for a new love relationship.

      In the beginning, the exploratory hotwife discussions may take a general, impersonal form. Many of the advantages for women are outlined in another chapter and in the exploratory discussions these can be discussed between the husband and wife. (We're assuming a marriage here, although now about half of heterosexual relationships today do not involve marriage.)

At this point we want in include a brief paragraph from another file, which some writers say could have saved their marriage.

One of the challenging and interesting parts of marriage is discovering and dealing with what the other person wants and then remaining sensitive and responsive to that.

A reluctance or inability to discuss such things with a spouse generally indicates changes that need to be made. This letter, which is similar to others we've received, clearly shows that to many people find this out too late. 

      >>   The wife may have suspicions about why he wants to move in this direction. Immediately coming to mind will be the possibility that he wants to have an affair, or even that he is trying to get her interested in other men so he can get out of the marriage.

These things, of course, should not be the case, and they should be addressed openly and honestly and assurances given. These fears may take much in the way of persistent, loving assurance to overcome.

" He should clearly communicate "I love you," but our marriage doesn't mean that you must be denied sexual experiences with other men, the kind that you probably enjoyed before our marriage (or wished you could have enjoyed)."

      Most women have had men flirt with them or "hit" on them.

He should let her know that this does not threaten him. The husband may know of a particular man that interests her. He might tease her about it and make it clear that it's okay.

At the same time, the dangers of going in the hotwife direction should be openly addressed. There are many hot wifeand they can have permanent consequences.

First, she could fall in love with someone else. Second, what will be the effect be of people knowing about the extra-marital affair?

      Although she may not immediately agree to move in this direction, once she is convinced that she has this freedom, she will feel less sexually restricted and may start thinking about things differently.

This difference is often evident to other men who will see her as being less inhibited around them. She may become a bit flirtatious, drop suggestive remarks, or start dressing provocatively.

Women like male attention and this feeds on itself—unless, of course, she feels personally threatened by the attention and is burdened by latent anti-sex beliefs.

      The husband might also suggest that she wear more revealing clothes -- especially when they go out together. When they go to a dance or night club, he might let certain men know that they can or should dance with her.

Generally, when a woman is in a man's presence for a length of time, she starts to consider possibilities -- especially if she knows that her husband wants her to. Dancing, especially close dancing over a period of time, tends to break down barriers.

" I put her into a situation where I knew an affair with this man would be almost inevitable. After she went to bed with him a few times, she soon lost her inhibitions and had other opportunities. Before long different guys were fucking her, and what's more she was enjoying it."

-From e-mail

       Once she has an affair it's essential that it be brought out into the open as soon and discussed The wife must know that the husband feels that the affair was okay  -- maybe even exciting to vicarious share.

This may take a some time with constant assurances, but, eventually, the wife may agree to bring extramarital sex totally out in the open with him and adhere to "the rules of being a hotwife."

 

Other Approaches

      Beyond the approaches we've talked about, there are various more direct approaches to getting a wife started having sex with other men.

Adult Games

       Participating in adult games is often a first step in easing into this.

This may start with several couples playing strip poker and then progress to some of the more explicit adult games involving physical contact.

It helps to have some of her friends encourage her to participate. Peer pressure possibly initially mixed with alcohol results in many women losing their inhibitions. (The two are almost always present at these.)

If these experiences are repeated several times, it will give the husband an opportunity to get used to seeing his wife nude before others  -- especially other men. Some men find this a kind of ultimate test of their confidence in themselves and the relationship. These adult games are available on the Internet and at some specialty stores.

According to one man,

The first few minutes my wife was nude (as a result of strip poker) was a bit hard for both of us.  The men were gawking at her (while trying to pretend like they weren't).

But in just a very short time we both got used to it. After a while she was kind of flaunting herself before the men and even getting off on it.

Seeing how she affected men gave me a new appreciation for her. Guys even got erections looking at her. I think she enjoyed seeing (staring at) the obvious effect she had on men.


Introduce Specific Fantasies

      Next, the husband can subtly introduce fantasies in the bedroom.

He may ask his wife what man she is attracted to, and even at some point get her to admit that she would consider "going out" with him.

The husband may take the man's part in the conversation, and while he sexually stimulates her, get her to flirt with the man in an explicit, make-believe conversation.

The same fantasy conversation should eventually lead to her making an obvious offer of sex. As she moves toward a climax, explicit, "dirty talk" can be encouraged, complete with using the man's name as she climaxes. Afterwards is not a time to "roll over and go to sleep"; she has to know that the things she said are okay.

She may discover that saying these things in front of her husband is not only a liberating turn-on for her, but it proves that her husband has no problem with it.

Soon she may reach a point of saying that, given a chance, she would not turn down the man's offer to have sex.

      >>   Whether or not this offer ever comes about it not important at this point. What is, is for both the husband and wife to experience her boldly offering herself to another man, and, if possible, climaxing while visualizing him.

Later, he will want to get her to a point of boldly admitting outside of the bedroom that she would like to go to bed with specific men.

" If a wife can reach the point in front of her husband of saying that she would like to go to bed with another man, she will probably experience a feeling of freedom and excitement."

This is a good initial test for the husband. If he feels pangs of jealousy in hearing her say that she would like to go to bed with another man, it either means that he has to work through them, or there is some question if things should continue in the hotwife direction.

According to one husband, "Hearing her say slut-like things. like how she would go to a motel with a guy turns me on to hear her say."

If the husband can honestly say, "Yes, I want you to do that," then the couple may be ready for the next step — following through.


T
o Part II.


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NOTE: Sexual disease, especially AIDS, is now widespread. It is estimated that almost of half of people with sexually-transmitted infections don't tell a new partner. Sex with anyone other than a trusted partner requires protection — generally in the form of a condom. Although if properly used, condoms provide a high degree of protection, that protection is not 100%.

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